# baby planning

I spent most of my life thinking I was fine - independent, strong, so accepting of my mom's "condition." When I became a mother and realized that I had never had and would never have a mother I could rely on, it broke me. Pain must be seen and held - with love. Then, space is created for healing.

I made the mistake of Googling every little thing during my first pregnancy. It never left me feeling better and it often gave me misinformation. I got caught in the urge to go down the Google rabbit hole again with my second pregnancy. The moral of the story is: Don't do it!

I'm pregnant with my second but I'm not a "baby person." I've never really liked the newborn baby smell that most people seem to find so delicious. For me, this smell is tied to postpartum depression, which I know I could experience again.

When we found out the sex of our first, I was ashamed to discover that I felt sad. I discovered that "gender disappointment" is an actual phenomenon, one of those topics in motherhood that isn't often talked about openly, that could negatively impact the mental health of an expecting parent.

There is such joy and uncertainty when you first find out that you're pregnant. I wanted to tell the world and to start planning, but it felt too early to do that until I could hear the heartbeat. It's surreal to have so much changing internally while nothing seems to be changing on the outside.