# expecting

What happens when someone with body dysmorphia gets pregnant? First time around when I had my son, the voice of my disorder overtook any wisdom and compassion. This time around being pregnant with my daughter, I resolve to be stronger.

I made the mistake of Googling every little thing during my first pregnancy. It never left me feeling better and it often gave me misinformation. I got caught in the urge to go down the Google rabbit hole again with my second pregnancy. The moral of the story is: Don't do it!

I'm pregnant with my second but I'm not a "baby person." I've never really liked the newborn baby smell that most people seem to find so delicious. For me, this smell is tied to postpartum depression, which I know I could experience again.

When we found out the sex of our first, I was ashamed to discover that I felt sad. I discovered that "gender disappointment" is an actual phenomenon, one of those topics in motherhood that isn't often talked about openly, that could negatively impact the mental health of an expecting parent.

From a young age, I have needed to control my body. I was heavily influenced by the media that said we could never be thin enough. As a yoga teacher, I told myself I had to be thin. This thinking infiltrated my first pregnancy. With my second I am determined to be more accepting of my growing body.