# maternal mental health

When we found out the sex of our first, I was ashamed to discover that I felt sad. I discovered that "gender disappointment" is an actual phenomenon, one of those topics in motherhood that isn't often talked about openly, that could negatively impact the mental health of an expecting parent.

From a young age, I have needed to control my body. I was heavily influenced by the media that said we could never be thin enough. As a yoga teacher, I told myself I had to be thin. This thinking infiltrated my first pregnancy. With my second I am determined to be more accepting of my growing body.

I intended to publish this blog in 2020 when I discovered I was pregnant with my second. Then, well, covid happened. I still want to share my pregnant musings so here I start. I felt such peace in turning 40. I think our baby girl sensed that and decided I was finally ready for her to join us.

In this piece from 2018, I reflect on my impossible expectations of motherhood negatively impacting my mental health. While I don't believe you can control whether or not you will go through postpartum depression, I do believe that unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointment and despair.