# mental health

When I first became a mother I would never have believed what I do now, that parenting can potentially be a portal of healing. As I mother in ways that I was not mothered, I get to rewrite the script. While this doesn't erase the past, it brings opportunity for peace to sit alongside the sadness.

I was prepared to possibly experience postpartum depression with my second. It didn't happen. Yet I was subconsciously bracing myself for something bad to happen. ER visits felt like an ominous sign. I didn't realize until after the fact that PTSD had quietly been infiltrating my thinking.

I'm pregnant with my second but I'm not a "baby person." I've never really liked the newborn baby smell that most people seem to find so delicious. For me, this smell is tied to postpartum depression, which I know I could experience again.

When we found out the sex of our first, I was ashamed to discover that I felt sad. I discovered that "gender disappointment" is an actual phenomenon, one of those topics in motherhood that isn't often talked about openly, that could negatively impact the mental health of an expecting parent.

I intended to publish this blog in 2020 when I discovered I was pregnant with my second. Then, well, covid happened. I still want to share my pregnant musings so here I start. I felt such peace in turning 40. I think our baby girl sensed that and decided I was finally ready for her to join us.