# motherhood

With every passing year, I felt like I was missing my chance to have a second child. I compared myself to other parents whose children were 2-3 years apart. Our kids will be 6.5 years apart and it feels perfect for us.

When we found out the sex of our first, I was ashamed to discover that I felt sad. I discovered that "gender disappointment" is an actual phenomenon, one of those topics in motherhood that isn't often talked about openly, that could negatively impact the mental health of an expecting parent.

From a young age, I have needed to control my body. I was heavily influenced by the media that said we could never be thin enough. As a yoga teacher, I told myself I had to be thin. This thinking infiltrated my first pregnancy. With my second I am determined to be more accepting of my growing body.

There is such joy and uncertainty when you first find out that you're pregnant. I wanted to tell the world and to start planning, but it felt too early to do that until I could hear the heartbeat. It's surreal to have so much changing internally while nothing seems to be changing on the outside.

I intended to publish this blog in 2020 when I discovered I was pregnant with my second. Then, well, covid happened. I still want to share my pregnant musings so here I start. I felt such peace in turning 40. I think our baby girl sensed that and decided I was finally ready for her to join us.